Reflections on a Year of Suffering

December 29, 2011

A year ago my marriage crumbled very suddenly and I started a year (so far) of asking why.

It’s taken me a year to realize that the Universe has given me exactly what I was asking for. I already had a good marriage, a wife who loved me, a strong relationship with my kids, a business I enjoyed, and a fresh spirituality that connected me in an intimate way with the Mind of the Universe.

Having all these things, and being satisfied, I asked for understanding. I asked for wisdom. I asked for growth. Those things came through trials, suffering, and reaching inward to find the inner strength to overcome my outer circumstances.

The Universe, in Its infinite Love for me, had granted my wish. It’s like a comic tragedy:  we almost never seem to understand the price we must pay for the valuable things we seek. There is always a trade; there is always a balance—or so it seems to me.

I asked and the Universe gave. Just like the Master promised. If I had known the price of my wish, I would not have wanted it. But I am a function of the Universe myself, and that Guide always knows best. Always. How do you suppose the desire for wisdom appeared in me in the first place?

My heart is better now. It has ached, broken, healed, and expanded. Now it radiates more love than before, without trying to pick flowers instead of smell them, so to speak. Now it encompasses more, enabling me to see more love and goodness in the world, people, creatures, and circumstances around me. My new heart allows me to enjoy without taking, to preserve life and freedom instead of trying to keep it for myself.

Frankly, that lesson is worth a very great price, and I am thankful that the Universe has blessed me with the measure of strength that I needed so I could learn the lessons I wanted so much to be taught.

In this moment, I don’t believe that being “happy” at all costs is the most important thing in each moment. I believe that the pains of life are a necessary part of learning to create our own happiness, despite circumstances.

Acceptance of all circumstances seems to be a key to happiness.

Acceptance of circumstances means harmonizing with the Universe.

The key to harmony is to not see self as separate from the Universe.

The answer is self-awareness: attention to the inner world.

I love my life, and I love the circumstances and turns of events and relationships and personal connections and reflections and interactions that occur and show me that this web of fabric of life and existence is a unified, united, conscious Whole.

Why do I doubt? Why do I turn away from Truth, even after It proves Itself to me, repeatedly, in my experience? I have a powerful and old, deeply-ingrained wrong idea about the current situation that I haven’t yet located. I’m very close, though!

The solution seems to be to face my fears and discomforts by placing them directly in my Path and enduring them with focused attention. I feel so powerful!

The powerful “me” is steadily growing, strengthening, and becoming the dominant part of my being. I like that!

(written in 2009)

The Riddle of Male and Female

December 17, 2011

In my experience, there are two kinds of human males: base males andascended males. Base males operate mostly on raw male energy. Ascended males operate mostly on male energy, plus the positive influence of female energy.

(This is not black-and-white, but a graded scale, like a ruler or thermometer. Nothing is black-and-white, not even night and day. There is always gray.)

Ascended male energy is more powerful than base male energy! This power is hidden from base males, though, who must experience it to appreciate it.

There are also two kinds of females: powerful females and females whose power is temporarily lost or diminished because of males. Females are born powerful, but they can lose touch with that innate power if they are harmed by males. (But they can heal and regain it.)

Female energy is the salvation of male energy, to an extent. (I would hesitate to say “vice versa,” but maybe.) Males are not completely lost without females—but female energy holds an important key to a male’s self-discovery and spiritual journey, in my experience. It has to do with emotion and feeling.

Imagine a world filled only with men, no women. In my imagination, the men would form groups based on “power” and domination. Each group would be led by an outwardly “powerful” leader and the men in his group would follow his directions—until he was ousted (killed) by another “powerful” man. The different factions and groups would compete against each other for domination and supremacy:

“Us versus them.”  The base-male directive.

Now imagine a world filled only with women, no men. In my imagination, the women would form groups based on community and cooperation. Each group would be an organic operation in which each woman had her own say in the decisions of the whole. Different groups would relate to other groups in a spirit of togetherness:

“Us with them.”  The powerful-female aspiration.

Keep in mind in each imagined scenario that the men would have NO female influence and the women would have NO male influence.

I don’t like to use imagined scenarios to make a point, but in this case I don’t know that there is a better way to do it. Where is an all-male society, “free” of female influence? The closest I can think of are prisons, gangs, sports teams, and military combat units, all of which resemble my imagined scenario. (Oh, yeah—and look at world history!)

Where is an all-female society, free of male influence? In this male-dominated world, I don’t think women have been so lucky! There are all-female prisons, but I’d bet my next year’s pay that most or all of those women were hurt by base males—or they wouldn’t be there.

Men, when left to their “base” maleness, divide and conquer. Their unspoken motto is “Fuck it or kill it.” (And sometimes both, not necessarily in that order.) With the influence of female energy, though, base maleness can be transformed into ascended maleness. This is not always an easy task, even for a powerful female. We attract levels of power similar to our own, so a powerful female would be likely to attract a powerful male, whether his power is base or ascended. (“Do I like the nice guy or the bad boy? They both like me.”)

Any woman whose mate is a base male has her hands full. At the present time, this means most young women in relationships, since our society tends to produce base males. Men tend to “mellow” (ascend!) as they age—largely because they are partnered with women and raise daughters.

Natural female power can be hidden or even broken by harm from a male at any time in her life, especially if she is a child. This kind of harm has a two-fold negative effect: she hides her female power within herself (to protect it) and she fears male energy (because of its power to harm her). As a result, she ends up fearing her own power.

Harm is by its nature temporary, though, and I suspect that ascended male energy (which, remember, is itself sort of a combination of male and female energy) can help a hurt female to heal and recover the power she has lost. So can other women’s female energy.

Thus, in the context of male-female relationship, powerful females can help base males and hurt females to heal, and ascended males can also help hurt females to heal. Afterward, you have a very powerful couple: a powerful female and an ascended male.

This is one expression of what I call Love. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

(written in 2009)

Healing in Relationships

December 10, 2011

We are all broken by the time we start to seek partners. Real love heals us, and it grows as we heal. Maybe the trick to romantic relationships is finding someone who understands this, who will stay in the trenches with you as you both fight and kill your own demons with each other’s help. Maybe a true partner is our “wing man” in our struggle to heal ourselves, which is our life’s work.

In my experience, there are many hurts that we can only heal with a partner’s help. I think a lot of conflict in relationships is “just” one partner becoming aware of a problem (an unresolved hurt) in the other and making the other aware of it through the mirror of relationship, while the other’s ego reacts in self-defense.

After the conflict, with that particular battlefield clear, when the healing is done, maybe we can go about enjoying a deeper love and connection than we enjoyed together at the beginning, when we chose each other—before our inner battles became shared, when new love was easy.

Maybe this happens in steps, again and again, over a long time together, until all our hurts are healed together—both the past ones and the ones that happen along the way.

Not all old couples are just living out their marriage contract. There’s something powerful there, in being with someone who knows you thoroughly, scars and all. But to get there I think there are some uphill battles to fight along the way. That’s where commitment comes in. To me, commitment is faith—faith in yourself, in the other, and in the togetherness you share.

I think we only find what we’re really after when we see and accept each other’s pain and ugliness, and resolve to accept each other completely in spite of it. We can’t do that if we try to find a mate who is already perfect when we are not.

Nobody is.

(written in 2008)

Male and Female Sexual Potential

November 22, 2011

The Biblical creation story says that “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27, NIV, emphasis mine).” This statement seems to imply that the qualities of God are in some way divided between—or can only be found in communion between—the sexes: between men and women.

The importance of communion between the sexes is most obvious in the sexual act itself. Sex is primarily seen historically—and biologically—as the highest form of reproduction. Each parent contributes its own unique DNA to a new member of the species, which is more readily adaptable to environmental conditions and changes because of the variety of genetic material that sexual reproduction provides.

Sex as a biological mechanism for reproduction is an animal quality that does indeed serve its purpose of life and variety. Animals function largely in accordance with instinct—the biological “programming” that ensures their survival without culture and governs their sexual behavior. (Mammals, in particular, also have other “higher” functions that we sometimes consider to be uniquely “human,” such as emotions.) For animals, sex appears to be an instinctive means of pleasure that happens to ensure the continuity of life.

The biological aspects of sexual relation are not the primary function or benefit of sex in humans, though. Humans are not simply animals. C.S. Lewis said that humans are amphibians: half animal and half spirit. Although we possess animal qualities like the biological needs for food, shelter, and society, we are also uniquely capable of higher mental functions such as reason, logic, intellect, abstraction, free will, art, and spirituality.

Having said that, sex obviously does serve the purposes of pleasure and reproduction for humans as it does in animals. With our more developed capacity for understanding, though, in humans sex becomes (for the first time in the history of the known universe!) a means by which the male and female aspects of Spirit—the “God” at the center of our being—can approach wholeness again by reuniting with their other “half” in the flesh.

The unitive nature of human sexuality gives sex a powerful healing quality when a couple recognizes and uses its potential for intimacy. On the other hand, the energies that come into play on an intimate level are so strong and central to the cohesion of the self (perhaps especially for women) that there is great potential for damage when sexuality is used in an inconsiderate, violent, or harmful way.

Women and men have unique roles (and responsibilities, if you will) toward each other during sex and intimacy. Each of these roles provides a unique healing quality for the partner, in accordance with gender. When we examine this healing dynamic, it becomes apparent that men and women are indeed “made for each other,” despite the apparent problems that the Great Misunderstanding has created between the sexes.

What is the healing dynamic of intimacy and sex between a man and a woman? Through sex and intimacy, the male can “go into and touch” the physical and emotional center of the female. Likewise, the female is able to “bring a man out of himself” so that he connects with her in these ways. The male dynamic includes going out and giving; the female dynamic includes welcoming in and receiving. Together, they form a circuit of powerful healing—or destructive—energy.

The ways in which these effects are beneficial to each partner become more apparent when we understand the male and female principles, and their individual qualities.

To be continued…

(Written in 2008)

Male-Female Inequality

November 21, 2011

In the majority of known societies throughout human history, males have dominated females. In the majority of societies today, this situation continues. In the future, however, men and women will understand their basic equality and importance to each other. This growth in awareness, particularly by men who are finally learning the importance of functionally healthy and whole women to their own well-being, is the single necessary and sufficient cause of the eradication of social ills, from poverty to war to psychosis to addiction to child abuse.

Failure to correct these ills, which are causes and effects of the ongoing cycle of human harm that we call “history,” could potentially result in the widespread self-destruction of humanity as our collective, fragmented minds and emotions continue to cause a global mindset of competition and defense, rather than cooperation and assistance.

The popular perception (because it’s an observable behavior) is that male domination of women harms the woman, but not necessarily the man. This most common point of view, however, ignores the inner world of man and woman—perhaps because each person’s inner life is unknown and unobservable to others unless the person explains his or her inner world to them.

The nature of sexual-emotional harm is such that it wounds a person’s innermost feelings and self-images, the very parts of the self that are least likely to be disclosed except in an intimate relationship. These intimate parts are of course the parts of the self most harmed—cut off from awareness—in the case of emotional-sexual harm. This block to intimacy affects both partners.

We see, then, that the cycle of harm between the sexes is a difficult problem to admit and thus identify—much less overcome—in a culture whose members are nearly universally caught up in the mindset of conflict, rather than peace, between men and women. It is similarly difficult to overcome for individuals who have been harmed (or who have harmed) in such a way, and who thus operate every day without the richness of existence and unity that intimacy creates.

This conflict between the sexes—and, by extension, between people in general—is largely a result of the Great Misunderstanding: that men and women are not absolutely essential to each other’s emotional and spiritual well-being and growth. In reality, we are exactly that to each other. The Great Misunderstanding was propagated first by men (who are of course more physically powerful than women) and then culturally instilled in both males and females (by both men and women) as part of the socialization process. This pattern occurred nearly universally, very early in human history. We can see examples of the Great Misunderstanding, and sometimes even its origins, in ancient literature and scriptures.

But we can find traces of understanding about the importance of the sexes as well—especially in pre-Christian pagan or nature religions. These people recognized the power and relevance of the female aspect of life and honored it equally with the male. Modern Western religions, on the other hand, typically revere the male aspect and subjugate or ignore the equally important female.

Recently, however, there has been a resurgence of female-worship in new or throwback “neo-pagan” and nature religions among people who desire to revere both male and female equally.

This is a step in the direction of resolving the historical inequality between males and females.

On Jealousy

November 20, 2011

I’ve found that jealousy comes when you attach your own self-value to someone else’s behavior—and that’s always asking to be hurt.

There’s a certain distance you have to maintain in a healthy relationship, like a planet orbiting the sun. Get too close and you get burned; get too far away and you freeze. Finding that comfortable space for good interaction without losing yourself in the other person is part of the dance of male and female.

Sometimes you can be closer, or farther away, depending on circumstances. This requires close attention to the relationship, your own feelings, and your partner’s feelings so that you both understand whatever is going on between you.

They say that a relationship is work, but I disagree. A relationship is like a garden that you tend lovingly and gently as you watch it produce plants and eventually fruit. The bigger the plants get, the stronger they are and the less attention they need to stay healthy—and big plants can weather a storm much better than seedlings.

Work comes in relationships when you aren’t attentive and you let weeds sprout up all over the place. Then it’s up to both of you to pull them, together, and if one partner doesn’t want to, that’s where the work gets hard. If you let things go too far outside of your attention, it takes (sometimes painful) energy—from both of you—to bring them back and create the understanding that all else must come from.

Attention (but not obsession!) prevents having to do this painful work later. If someone isn’t worth that kind of attention—if it isn’t a pleasant process for you to tend delicately to your partner—I think that’s a sign of a bad combination of seed and soil.

If you plant your seeds in the right kind of soil, they will grow easily. If you understand your partner, jealousy withers like a weed in the sun.

How to Make Love Stay

September 17, 2011
Love thrives in the absence of fear. In my experience, most romantic relationships are riddled with fear. You wonder if they like someone else more than you, or what they’re doing when you’re not there, or what you’ll ever do if they break up with you.

The more fear you have, the less love you have. The more love you have, the less fear.

Fear is often realized in our relationships as pressure. You pressure your partner to act in a certain way, or you feel like you’re being pressured to behave like your partner wants. This is a poor basis for a relationship, and you have to get past pressuring and feeling pressure if you want a really good relationship.

Pressure is fear: one partner is afraid that the other partner’s behavior will result in the end of the relationship somehow, so the partner requests or demands a certain change in behavior. Any attempt to control the actions of another person is based on fear.

Another form of pressure in a relationship, besides outright attempts to control behavior, is expectation. One partner has a certain preconceived idea about how the relationship “should” be (usually based on observing some other relationship(s) in real life or on TV or in movies). When their own relationship doesn’t fit the prescribed model, they become afraid that something is wrong.

To have a healthy relationship, don’t try to force it into a mold that you wrongly think is right. Let it develop as it will, and learn from watching it happen. Let your partner be and enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

Maybe it won’t last. You don’t know. You don’t control that. But the freedom you give to your partner by not trying to pressure or expect unreasonable outcomes will come back to you in the form of a great relationship—if you’re with the “right” partner (if there is such a thing).

If your partner leaves despite the lack of pressure, the next one will probably be better. Life rewards you when you do well by removing the negative and replacing it with the positive. Don’t be afraid of letting your partner be himself or herself. Enjoy that person. If they’re “right” for you, they’ll stay. If not, you just dodged a bullet.

(Written in 2005 and freshly edited on December 19, 2016.)

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