The Goddess and Me

December 28, 2011

There are more things between Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 

—“Wild Bill” Shakespeare

  • She took his burdens
  • Into her body
  • And disposed of them
  • Like his mother always wanted to do
  • But couldn’t.
.
  • His sins disappeared
  • In the soft grass of her skin.
  • She welcomed them.
.
  • Thank you, Love. Can I call you ‘Love’?
  • He asked the Earth
  • In the darkness of the New Moon,
  • Feeling her body fall through his fingers
  • As sediment.
.
  • With dirty fingertips,
  • He caressed her.
.
  • Love is fleeting,
  • In my experience.
  • Can you be my love?
  • Can you be my mother?
  • For they are the same,
  • At their root,
  • In my experience—
  • And you are the root of both.
.
  • That which draws
  • Masculine to Feminine
  • Hints at something beneath,
  • Something more true
  • And more powerful
  • Than love of the past.
.
  • Something perhaps more permanent—
  • Akin to dust and wind and flame (and water)—
  • Forever moving and therefore
  • True to its nature.
.
  • She is gentle and brutal,
  • Quiet and violent,
  • Beautiful and harmonious.
.
  • Gaia never rests, always produces.
  • Creating, destroying,
  • Being Herself.
.
  • Meanwhile, the Cosmos
  • Ever turns, “above,”
  • Corkscrewing into the darkness
  • Between galaxies.
.
  • And I connect them,
  • Earth and Heaven,
  • Somehow,
  • When I reach for the sky.
.

(written in 2009)

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Relief Through Changed Circumstances

December 21, 2011

At the time of this writing, in January 2009, I had been living in the home my now-ex-wife and I shared.  She had moved out—to live an hour away—two months before.  Just before writing this, I had decided to find my own living space.  —Ven

Recently, I’ve been able to get out of my previous mindset of focusing on things I could not control. I got introspective for a couple of days. I moved a lot of my stuff out of my house (where my wife still has her stuff, and where she is able to drop by whenever she pleases) and into my camper at my place of business on the river. I’ve been staying here most nights, in my own space.

This has been a great relief to me.

That change of physical circumstances was part of the mental process of change that hit full steam last weekend. Changing my living situation was essential because I recognized the importance of my surroundings and their effect on my mental and emotional state. I also saw that being at the house was affecting me negatively, and I wanted to separate myself from it.

Since I’ve been at the camper, I’ve been able to drop my fear of moving on from the situation and I’ve moved into a new and fresher way of being. I’ve mostly occupied myself with resting, re-centering, recharging, and examining my previous experiences to see the common thread in my life, in order to determine the general direction/flow of my interests, desires, and activities.

It feels like being in a cocoon.

The result of giving up on my analysis of the situation and my clinging to it was a mental freedom that has been very peaceful for me. In the meantime, as part of evaluating my past experience and identifying the general trends of my interests, I’ve picked up a new direction in which to focus my attention. I’m exploring that new way of seeing things, which is really only a synthesis of everything I’ve already figured out about life on my own.

This is all new to me, and at the same time it’s very comfortable and exciting because I feel like I’m aligning with the purpose of my inner being. It was my “next step” a long time ago, and I’ve only been sidetracked from it by life experiences that I didn’t know how to handle at the time.

I’ve been describing how I got “here.” So, what is “here”?

I’m harmonizing with the Divine Will (which is also my own will, from my innermost self) by understanding better what life is all about. I’m letting go of past experience and future expectation and enjoying the ride. I’m learning methods of understanding my own intentions and putting them into practice. In short, I’ve realized that my “happiness” means aligning myself with the flow of the Universe. I’m learning to do that, instead of trying to carve my own flow out of it. There doesn’t have to be a difference!

And I see incredible new possibilities and experiences coming into being because of this change.

(written in 2009)


The Riddle of Male and Female

December 17, 2011

In my experience, there are two kinds of human males: base males andascended males. Base males operate mostly on raw male energy. Ascended males operate mostly on male energy, plus the positive influence of female energy.

(This is not black-and-white, but a graded scale, like a ruler or thermometer. Nothing is black-and-white, not even night and day. There is always gray.)

Ascended male energy is more powerful than base male energy! This power is hidden from base males, though, who must experience it to appreciate it.

There are also two kinds of females: powerful females and females whose power is temporarily lost or diminished because of males. Females are born powerful, but they can lose touch with that innate power if they are harmed by males. (But they can heal and regain it.)

Female energy is the salvation of male energy, to an extent. (I would hesitate to say “vice versa,” but maybe.) Males are not completely lost without females—but female energy holds an important key to a male’s self-discovery and spiritual journey, in my experience. It has to do with emotion and feeling.

Imagine a world filled only with men, no women. In my imagination, the men would form groups based on “power” and domination. Each group would be led by an outwardly “powerful” leader and the men in his group would follow his directions—until he was ousted (killed) by another “powerful” man. The different factions and groups would compete against each other for domination and supremacy:

“Us versus them.”  The base-male directive.

Now imagine a world filled only with women, no men. In my imagination, the women would form groups based on community and cooperation. Each group would be an organic operation in which each woman had her own say in the decisions of the whole. Different groups would relate to other groups in a spirit of togetherness:

“Us with them.”  The powerful-female aspiration.

Keep in mind in each imagined scenario that the men would have NO female influence and the women would have NO male influence.

I don’t like to use imagined scenarios to make a point, but in this case I don’t know that there is a better way to do it. Where is an all-male society, “free” of female influence? The closest I can think of are prisons, gangs, sports teams, and military combat units, all of which resemble my imagined scenario. (Oh, yeah—and look at world history!)

Where is an all-female society, free of male influence? In this male-dominated world, I don’t think women have been so lucky! There are all-female prisons, but I’d bet my next year’s pay that most or all of those women were hurt by base males—or they wouldn’t be there.

Men, when left to their “base” maleness, divide and conquer. Their unspoken motto is “Fuck it or kill it.” (And sometimes both, not necessarily in that order.) With the influence of female energy, though, base maleness can be transformed into ascended maleness. This is not always an easy task, even for a powerful female. We attract levels of power similar to our own, so a powerful female would be likely to attract a powerful male, whether his power is base or ascended. (“Do I like the nice guy or the bad boy? They both like me.”)

Any woman whose mate is a base male has her hands full. At the present time, this means most young women in relationships, since our society tends to produce base males. Men tend to “mellow” (ascend!) as they age—largely because they are partnered with women and raise daughters.

Natural female power can be hidden or even broken by harm from a male at any time in her life, especially if she is a child. This kind of harm has a two-fold negative effect: she hides her female power within herself (to protect it) and she fears male energy (because of its power to harm her). As a result, she ends up fearing her own power.

Harm is by its nature temporary, though, and I suspect that ascended male energy (which, remember, is itself sort of a combination of male and female energy) can help a hurt female to heal and recover the power she has lost. So can other women’s female energy.

Thus, in the context of male-female relationship, powerful females can help base males and hurt females to heal, and ascended males can also help hurt females to heal. Afterward, you have a very powerful couple: a powerful female and an ascended male.

This is one expression of what I call Love. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

(written in 2009)


I Can Relate

December 16, 2011

I’m so happy and grateful that I can relate. I can relate because I have suffered (and caused harm) and overcome.

Have you been hurt by someone, on purpose? I can relate. Watched a loved one endure pain you can only imagine? I can relate.

Stood by your mother and watched her breathe her last? Been the victim of senseless violence? Lost the love of your life? Fallen into depression, addiction, or self-mutilation? Been divorced? Lost your role as a parent to your own kids? Watched your current or former mate fall into someone else’s arms and bed? Had to give up on someone you love because only they can help themselves? Realized—too late to fix it—the immense pain you inflicted on someone close to you, who trusted you with his or her heart? Had two close friends die in the same way, on different continents, before age 25? Had a young friend take his or her own life? Been violated or otherwise abused? Watched somebody you love die from injury or illness? Carried your mother’s body to the funeral home vehicle? Been homeless for months? Had your heart and sense of self-worth stomped into the ground when you were little?

I can relate. We all can. We all share human life. Life isn’t always fucking peaches and cream.

Suffering is all the same, but it’s different. It all involves loss, it all makes us change the way we see ourselves and the world, and it’s all temporary. You can never lose that which is most important. As someone wise told me this week, “The pain goes away, but you keep the lessons you learned.”

We are strong. We are made of stuff so powerful that we can’t imagine our own strength until we are tested. Life throws pain and heartbreak in our direction so that we can become better because of it.

It’s like being refined in fire. How do you suppose steel would feel as it becomes stronger, better, and more beautiful and useful in the foundry? A samurai sword is bent, folded, hammered, and heated to intense temperatures to make it a worthy weapon in battle. And it is beautiful.

We are powerful, you and I. True power is beautiful. Take that fact and instill it in your bones. Weakness is temporary. Our strength endures.

We are Beauty, incarnated. We are Spirit, caught temporarily in the visceral, gritty web of this physical existence for awhile. We are here to endure, and overcome, and be better than we were yesterday, last month, or last year. We are not here to succumb to the storms of life. We are here to learn to navigate our vessel through every kind of weather, squall, gale, and hurricane—and to return our vessel to shore, whole and complete and functional.

We have the skills, the talent, the ability, and the will to overcome whatever Life throws at us. As another person said, “You will not be tested beyond what you can endure. But when you are tested, you will also be given the power to kick life in its ass.” (I Corinthians 10:13, paraphrased)

(Your King James Version and New International Version New Testaments use the word “tempted” instead of “tested” in this verse. The Greek word peirasomos can mean either “temptation” or “adversity.”)

Time does not heal. The unimaginable power of the human Spirit heals. It just takes time to do it because…well, because we’re human.

And we can do it over and over again, getting better and stronger every time.


It’s Not About Me

December 14, 2011

I blind my eyes and try to force it all into place,

I stitch them up, see not my fall from grace.

I blind my eyes, I hide and feel it passing me by.

I open just in time to say goodbye.

—from “That Was Just Your Life” by Metallica

The New Year finds me at or near the end of a long, underground tunnel where I’ve spent months digging through muck, gathering nuggets and gems, and seeking the light that I hoped I knew must be at the end.

It was both an exercise in faith and a lesson about faith. It sucked, horribly—but it was a profoundly meaningful experience for me. I recently arrived at the end of that particular tunnel, and it takes a little while for my eyes to adjust to the newfound light again.

But it isn’t all about me. I’m just the guy writing and sharing, the guy who has gone inside and plumbed his own depths a little and told others what he found down there. I’m not a bottom-dweller, but I think that to ride the river it helps to know where the rocks are. You can see them a lot better underneath the surface.

If my words seem to be loaded with heaviness or melancholy or “sludge,” it’s only because my time below has been so recent. Like a miner who emerges from a long day’s work, a nice shower and some rest makes everything better and shinier again.

I don’t intend to live in the darkness of pain and suffering. In fact, I’ve emerged from it now anyway. At this point, I’ve reformed my inner world so that it’s more in harmony with Life. Now I’m taking steps toward celebrating life again.

And I’ll share that part of the journey, too. Why? Because I don’t see anybody else doing it in quite the same way.

Like I said, it’s not about me. It doesn’t matter what I have endured to reach a point of greater understanding. All that matters is that we learn from our experiences and don’t get dragged down (emotionally) by life experiences we can’t control.

My life is the same as yours: a function of the Universe, a point of Consciousness, a lesson, a wave to be ridden for all it’s worth. And to go back out and ride again and again and again.

I’m not special. I just learned in 2008 to surrender to the Will of…Whatever You Want To Call It.

And you got to have a ringside seat.

(written in 2009)


2008: A Look at a Year of Suffering-and-Healing

December 13, 2011

At the end of 2007, I was stoked about 2008. Gleefully, I said: “2008 is going to be my year!” I had many exciting plans for 2008, and in a short time I had set them in motion.

As it turned out, 2008 was the most challenging year of my life. I won’t get into the reasons why. As a result of 2008, though, I’m bringing in the New Year with no one to kiss at midnight.

At the beginning of 2008, I was in a very good place—and a very bad one at the same time. I was very confident and optimistic about the plans I had made. Things were going well, and I felt like I was on top of the world. This is the bad part: From my lofty (mental/emotional) position, I felt that I could look down on the rest of the world, separate from its ills, pains, and tragedies. I almost felt superhuman.

My intentions were good, but my thinking was foolish. I didn’t yet understand that there is no insulation from the ups and downs of life as long as we are still in it. Life will continue to throw us curveballs and present challenges, even though we have overcome many of our problems and solved some of the riddles of Life.

As they say, pride cometh before the fall. This is because the Universe loves us.

Because of the events that happened in my life in 2008, many of my wrong ideas about life and my part in it were destroyed. That’s not a bad thing, but it hurts. If we aren’t able to let go of the hurt—if we cling to the wrong ideas we had cherished for so long—we stay in the pain and our life begins (or continues) a downward spiral toward depression, ill health, and early death.

This is the “normal” way of human functioning, unfortunately.

I was determined not to follow this downward spiral that I recognized in so many people, so I learned. I studied. I got introspective and dug into myself. And I suffered, consciously and willingly. 2008 has made me an expert (if there is such a thing) on pain, suffering, and healing. My recent writings are evidence of my search for understanding and relief. I’ve made a lot of progress.

I’d be proud of myself, if I hadn’t become so humble from the experience.

In 2007, I thought I had killed my ego. As it turns out, I had killed only a significant part of it, and another part rose up in its place. 2008 was the year I killed that part.

So, I suppose 2008 really was my year, in a way. I didn’t accomplish a lot of the plans I had made, but Life knows better than I do. It didn’t want me to go out into the world, prematurely, with a half-baked idea of what life is all about. It wanted me to endure a bit more, to share in certain sufferings that I had never shared before, so that I had a better understanding of other people’s pain—and greater Love, compassion, faith, strength, humility, and patience because of it.

Life wanted me to lose so that I could gain from my loss. I think it also wanted to prepare me for more challenges to come. More importantly, I think it wanted me to see that it’s not all about me. It’s about me, and you, and him, and her, and us, and them—the Whole Ball of Wax.

An important lesson, with a heavy price.

(written in 2008)


Healing in Relationships

December 10, 2011

We are all broken by the time we start to seek partners. Real love heals us, and it grows as we heal. Maybe the trick to romantic relationships is finding someone who understands this, who will stay in the trenches with you as you both fight and kill your own demons with each other’s help. Maybe a true partner is our “wing man” in our struggle to heal ourselves, which is our life’s work.

In my experience, there are many hurts that we can only heal with a partner’s help. I think a lot of conflict in relationships is “just” one partner becoming aware of a problem (an unresolved hurt) in the other and making the other aware of it through the mirror of relationship, while the other’s ego reacts in self-defense.

After the conflict, with that particular battlefield clear, when the healing is done, maybe we can go about enjoying a deeper love and connection than we enjoyed together at the beginning, when we chose each other—before our inner battles became shared, when new love was easy.

Maybe this happens in steps, again and again, over a long time together, until all our hurts are healed together—both the past ones and the ones that happen along the way.

Not all old couples are just living out their marriage contract. There’s something powerful there, in being with someone who knows you thoroughly, scars and all. But to get there I think there are some uphill battles to fight along the way. That’s where commitment comes in. To me, commitment is faith—faith in yourself, in the other, and in the togetherness you share.

I think we only find what we’re really after when we see and accept each other’s pain and ugliness, and resolve to accept each other completely in spite of it. We can’t do that if we try to find a mate who is already perfect when we are not.

Nobody is.

(written in 2008)


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