Elegant Simplicity

May 7, 2020
In elegant simplicity lies the beauty of living: attention, focused, intimately aware of the present moment and its happenings.  Conscious motion, self-reflection, deep contemplation, mindfulness, the ever-present witnessing of one’s own existence.
Permanence within impermanence, the fleeting crossing-the-screen of what is.  A diamond in the rough, surrounded by coal.  Magic.  Music.  Romance.

That upon which attention is focused becomes the focus of attention.  The more focused the attention, the greater the quality of the experience.  The more quality, the more awareness.  The more awareness, the more elegance.  The more awareness, the more simplicity.

Sublime life energy turns into experience.    Richness follows, then poverty, then richness again.  The corpse becomes living, and then dies again, only to revive and live.  All focused, elegant, simple, happening.

A dancer doing a pirouette.  A skater lifting another on ice.  Boxers dodging, weaving.  A director’s eye for the light.  The teacher honing his craft.  A doctor checking for disease.  Fishermen, fishing.  Elegance.  Simplicity.  Focus.  Awareness.

Waiting for the buck to clear the brush.  Breathing lover’s tender breath.  Coaxing off a rusted bolt.  Crying in the hopeless night.  Intensity.  Focus.  Simplicity.  Totality.

In timeless moments of depth and brevity, self is lost in experiencing the moment.  Torture.  Pain.  Heartbreak. Terror.  Amazement.  Astonishment.  Revelation.  Complete and simple.  Full.  Elegant and total.

Wind bristling leaves.  Waves lapping rocks.  Painters painting paintings.  Sacred geometry.  Elegance.  Simplicity.

The stuff of life: total moments, complete experiences, full happenings, perfect executions.  Elegant simplicity.

Written on May 6, 2013 and freshly formatted on May 6, 2020.


A Note from the Bridge over the Chasm Between Darkness and Light

May 5, 2020

“Ignorance is bliss.”

–“They”

Ignorance is not bliss. He knew that. And awareness is not suffering, as the old saying seems to imply. And yet both can be seen as either, through the magick of language. Ignorance can seem to be bliss, and awareness can seem to be suffering…for awhile.

He thought thoughts such as these from time to time–more frequently than most other things, anyway. He was not ignorant, but of course he had been, as most everyone is at one time or another. Though his ignorance had lessened in the light of understanding of himself and The Way The World Works, his awareness of his ignorance had grown, and so his ignorance seemed greater than it had been before.

The tide of ignorance hadn’t crept farther in; the inner lighthouse had simply revealed more of it. There’s always a trade-off, always a balance to be struck by human nature, by the flow of Life in a human being, by the forces of Nature within and without, and by the oft-shifting currents of the Divine Urge that flow just beneath the visible All and are detectable to the sensitive.

Give and take. Give ignorance and take awareness. Give suffering and take bliss. Or vice versa.

There is, of course, a paradox among it all, as there tends to be when life is viewed from more than merely a first-person point of view. Things seem one way from one angle and another way from another angle. One angle is not right and the other wrong, at least not most of the time. When divergences appear, they reveal the existence–somewhere above or beyond or in between–of a convergence, a unity, of which the seemingly opposing points of view both partake.

A truth to be uncovered, in other words, and then understood: a truth severed in half and taken hostage by two opposing human camps.

So there he was, aware of his condition–trapped between awareness and ignorance, far enough from ignorance to be untouched by some of its more common sufferings, and yet still deep enough in suffering himself to be unaware of certain things of whose existence he did not yet know, but which called softly to him in quiet moments.

In other words, he was a member of two worlds: the free and the slave, the wise and the foolish, the light and the dark. To tell the truth, he enjoyed the fruits of both–and at all times was aware of which side of the line he was dancing on.

He was an apparent contradiction, to many on both sides of the fence.

(He did not believe in the fence.)

In his limited awareness, he saw the suffering that his actions even now still caused from time to time. Even so, he was able to shift his perspective to a much broader view and see the eventual bliss that his actions would bring–not to himself, but to the All.

Over and over again came the lesson, spoken at certain times from somewhere deep within:

“Trust.”

In some ways, this one word was the key to all understanding. It hinted at the interconnectedness of the All, including his apparently separate personality. It was a clue to the mystery of the importance of individual human experience to the All. It was a word that echoed, although sometimes twisted beyond understanding, in spiritual messages throughout history.

“Trust.”

So he trusted. Time and time again he failed, but he sought with straining ear to hear the lesson gained each time he failed. He mistrusted. He un-trusted. He resisted. He battled for days. He fought passionately–to see what he could not see. Eventually, the vision always became clear.

There is much that happens on the surface of things that doesn’t reveal right away the great improvements being made underneath. That’s where trust comes in.

What’s underneath is infinitely more complex, rich, and complicated than what we see from day to day. “There,” moments of time are not measured in days or weeks but in years, centuries, and eons. A moment of pain and suffering can bring years of bliss and freedom. A slight happenstance can reverberate for centuries in humanly unpredictable ways.

In our hubris, we “important” humans desire to control, believing that we know and understand enough to decide the fate of the world around us. We exert ourselves in our effort to make things happen. We calculate the future and decide our actions based on that mental blueprint. All the while, life is happening as life happens, and we are either its pawns, its victims, or its messengers.

What he wanted was simple: greater good for the All and a clear and peaceful mind to understand and enjoy life. He didn’t know why the Universe had spawned him for the purpose he was living, except that he was the best candidate for the job. Maybe the others were sleeping in or dancing around a fire.

After hearing the call, he had responded in his own broken way–and then resisted every step of the way, like a dumb puppy who ends up with shit on his nose over and over again. He had learned. He had learned to listen. To trust. To move with courage and confidence when he heard the call from within. It had not been easy.

And still he fucked it up sometimes.

Not any time had it been easy to look at the face of experience, listen to the voice inside, and believe what he knew instead of what he saw with his eyes. Every succeeding chance to exercise trust brought with it a greater apparent reason to resist and control with his earthy self. Even so, he could not avoid the lessons (and opportunities to learn them) that came.

Once the light is on, it stays on.

He was being used, he was aware, as a surgical tool for the hand of the All. Why? Because he had proved himself to be worthy of the Voice. He had risked, and lost, and learned, and been restored because of his willingness to obey. He was willing to be (that is, to look like) a fool–for “God.” He was willing to give up, to lose, to trade, to give away, to shed, or to appear evil or wrong or misguided or stupid.

And at times he did, or was, any or all of these–but mostly he was not. He knew he was not. And yet sometimes he felt that he was these things after all.

He was not perfect, but at least he could see. At least he could see well enough to know that things are not always–not ever–as they seem to human eyes. In that, he could trust and feel bliss.

And suffer, a little bit.

He knew he wouldn’t cross the bridge while in this life. (He did believe in the bridge.) He would remain forever on it, one foot in each world, bridging some gap that no one else had claimed.

And he knew that this certainty would one day change. Maybe even while in this life. But, for now, it was right, whether he liked it or not.

“Trust.”

Written on May 4, 2010 and freshly formatted on May 5, 2020.


How Experience Can Reveal Inner Psyche-Wounds

April 6, 2016

There is a pattern in my life that has reached ever more deeply into my psyche:

Painful experience NOW exposes hidden inner wounds, and when the inner pain is released, a “lost” part of the self is regained and rejoined to the personality, which becomes more whole–more “myself”.

In my case, there was an unusual (I think) wound to my psyche, related to my mother being a teenager in a wheelchair when I was little.  The wound was necessary at the time, for my own safety, but when I got older it became poison to my Male-Female relationships.

This is because the wound had to do with my first experience with the Female.  I did not, and could not, see this until after many years of repeated painful experiences uncovered it and I was able to deal with it.  Until then, I was repeatedly re-living the old drama from diaper days, trying with the Female (in her various expressions as women) to “do it right”–THIS time.

Or THIS time.  Or THIS time…

The psyche-wounds instilled in us when we’re that young (less than one year old, in this case) don’t just go away.  As we live on, experiences get layered over them, and these wounds just get buried–forgotten, but not GONE.  We all have wounds in our psyches that have been lying, buried, for years or decades under subsequent layers of experience (or, if you prefer, memory).

Experience is very much like precipitation that gathers in the inner world–the psyche–with the earlier sediment on the bottom and the later sediment on top, where NOW occurs.  This is why inner work is like digging or mining for…whatever one finds.

It’s important to understand that earlier experiences lie beneath later ones in the memory-aspect of the psyche. What this means is that we must deal with later wounds before we can uncover the earlier ones, just as we must dig downward–or inward–from the surface.  Later memory-experiences “sit on top of” earlier ones (of similar type!) and hide them from conscious view.

My own experience has proven this to me–in vivid, living detail!

These wounds negatively affect our later experiences–from BENEATH our awareness.  Some wounds are worse than others, but ALL of them affect us somehow.  The worse ones affect us (and people close to us!) more.  What we call “spirituality” or “personal growth” is, largely, the uncovering of these wounds and the releasing of the emotional pain, like pus, contained in them.

I’ve observed over the years that I can use my “NOW” experience to remove these “layers” and uncover the wounds hidden beneath them.  I only figured this out in my late 20s, and it’s taken more than 10 years of conscious experience to uncover this very deep and early wound–which was like a broken bone that had healed crooked–and fix it.

It was very much like a femur, as far as the inner structure of the self is concerned.  That’s how much it affected my daily life–as much as if I had a broken and crookedly-healed femur in my physical body.

Most of the wounds I’ve uncovered have NOT been like broken bones.  Most have been like abscesses that just needed to be lanced and drained.  This one was much more fundamental to the structure of my psyche because it was so early in my life and central to my psyche.

I do not have the ability to conscoiusly MANIPULATE my life experiences in order to aid self-discovery.  In other words, I DIDN’T DO IT MYSELF!  “Life” did it, through my living it with my eyes open.  Even if I had tried, I wouldn’t have known what to uncover, or what experiences would be required to do so!

“Hidden” ain’t just a word.  It means INVISIBLE to the conscious awareness–part of the inner “darkness” that conscious living reveals.

In my experience, PAIN uncovers these inner wounds.  When I experience a painful event NOW, it relates to a painful wound in my psyche, as if the experience NOW were necessary to bring that inner wound to the surface where I can finally SEE it and deal with it.

It has taken 25 years of painful experience in Male-Female relationships to uncover the wound that was infecting them, and I literally have never been in touch with, or able to use–or conscious of!–this very central part of myself that has just recently returned to me since I lost it in a very unintentional and maybe even necessary way nearly 40 years ago.

I have NO conscious memory of the experience that caused this original inner “break”–but I know how it FELT, because I felt it again on January 12, 2014.  More correctly, I felt what I had NOT felt back then, for whatever reason.  It was the remainder or residue of the emotion–the part that had not been felt and expressed completely at that time.)

It seems that, if I had felt and expressed it in its totality when it happened, the residue would not have been left to infect my future relationships.  Another way to put it is that my inner “femur” would not have been broken…and stayed that way until Narcissistic abuse uncovered it and brought it to the surface.


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