We’ve all had those times when we thought:
“Man! I should have said _______! I wish I’d thought of it then!”
This is a tongue-in-cheek list of comebacks that a (hopefully former) target of Narcissistic abuse might wish he or she had said after a Narcissist has just thrown down the latest red flag, or a deal-breaker.
These are meant to entertain (and maybe facilitate healing and recovery for) folks who have been there. I’m not suggesting in any way that anyone should actually say any of these to a real, live person!
These are NOT problem-solving communication strategies (which don’t work for very long with Narcissists anyway)—and, depending on the situation, any or all of them might be dangerous to say to an easily enraged person.
In real life, the best thing to say to a Narcissist or Borderline is as little as possible, before and after carefully and peacefully making one’s exit. Leave the talk therapy to the talk therapists, who are trained to do it, and tend to your own well-being.
So, just for the fun of it, these are humorous but empowering comebacks that I personally might have said (but didn’t) in real-life situations with various Narcissists and Borderlines I’ve been close to over the years, in response to things that they have actually said or done.
I would never say most of these things to a Narcissist or Borderline in person. There’s just no point in it, and no need to. In real life, I would simply end the conflict by removing myself from the situation with as little conversation (drama) as possible.
1. What’s that? I’ll never find anyone who will love me as much as you do, sacrifice as much as you have for our relationship, or give up as much as you have to be with me? It sounds like you’d be way better off without me. Let’s make it happen, starting…now!
2. I’m sorry to cut you off in mid-rant, but I don’t spend my time with people who call me those names, speak to me at that volume, or use profanity with that much poison. Especially not all three, like you’re doing now. Goodbye.
3. If you really cared about my relationship with my kids, you’d stop calling and texting me with drama and emotional chaos when I’m spending time with them. See ya!
4. No, I’m really not the cause of all of your problems. But let’s find out. Later, gator. I’m sure everything will be better for you tomorrow.
5. If you think you “might” have multiple personalities, I think I “might” believe that either 1) you do, 2) you’re crazy, or 3) you’re just trying to manipulate me. Either way, I only date one person at a time, and I require that they be both sane and decent. Happy trails!
6. I see that you’re trying to bully me right now. Let’s see if you can do it all by yourself. Ciao!
7. You say that you (destroyed my stuff/told lies about me/said horrible things to me) because you were upset? I say you’ve shown me that you have no self-control and I should probably fear for my life around you. So I’m done being around you now.
8. I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to your tirade. I was blocking your number before I go, in case I forget to do it after I leave—that is, leave you—for good. Like, right now.
9. I know you seem very humble right now, and your apology sounded very sincere. However, since this is like the 20th time you’ve played this game with me, I’m going to start playing a new game. It’s called “Life Without You.” So long!
10. Wow. I’m amazed that one person can tell so many lies in such a short time. I think I’ll tell you a lie now: I’ll still be here with you in one minute.
11. I’m glad that you felt the need to confess that you went through all my Facebook and text messages while I was (gone/asleep) the other day. I have a confession to make, too. I don’t date people who have such disregard for my own personal boundaries and privacy, so I’m going to stop dating you immediately.
12. Sure, I’ll throw out all of the notes I saved from high school and the photos that were lying safely in my keepsake box in the closet while I was at work and you were sitting in my apartment with nothing better to do than rummage through my personal things. I’ll do it right after I throw you out of my life. Oh, and yes, I’m actually keeping my old notes and photos instead of you.
13. Thank you for accidentally dropping your mask so I could see what a spiteful, vindictive person you are underneath that sexy exterior. Unfortunately, I’d rather masturbate than have sex with someone like that, so I’m going to go home now and enjoy a night to myself—the first in a long string of many nights alone that I’m frankly looking forward to after enduring your shit for so long.
14. That’s such a delicious (meal/dessert/treat) that you (cooked/bought) me to try to make up for dumping me last (week/month) and screwing your ex. I hope you like it, because I’m eating an entire pizza by myself tonight and watching 300. With my phone off.
15. If you were speaking Chinese, what you just said wouldn’t bother me. However, you were speaking English, so I’m just going to forget you exist. Bye!
16. I appreciate you confessing that you drank too much at a party and had a sexual encounter with your ex while I was out of town. Looks like it’s time for me to move on now.
17. If you wake me up in the middle of the night to fight with me one more time, I’m going to leave and go sleep in a hotel room for the night. No, wait. Once was enough. Enjoy having the house all to yourself from now on.
18. You said I’m a what? Oh, you must have me confused with somebody else. I’ll just go now so you can find that person. I don’t want to mess up your search for the perfect partner.
19. Ah, yes. It’s all about you. Everything revolves around you. You’re the judge, jury, and executioner. What you say goes. You’re the boss. If I had seen this in you sooner, I would have left just as fast as I’m about to leave now.
20. No, I don’t understand. I know and see that your behavior over time took a nose dive from angelic to suck, and I hear you justifying it now with excuses of being (drunk/hurt/angry/scared/etc.) to me now, but I don’t feel or act that way. I can’t relate to it. Frankly, I don’t want to.
I’d rather just be a decent human being than try to twist my mind to accept that the rules don’t apply to you and that you have a free pass to do whatever you want, without consequence or accountability. Guess what? You don’t. Let me show you by removing myself from your world.