Go DEEP with Ven

This is a list of promises that (if carried out) might “cure” a Narcissist of many of the more abusive traits of Cluster B personality disorders and other Narcissistic behavior patterns…but it’s a Pledge that no Narcissist would, or could, ever fulfill.

These are undoable for a true Narcissist.  However, non-Narcissists might find this Pledge useful for a couple of reasons:

a) to help identify, control, and remove “fleas” (Narcissistic behavior patterns) in oneself, and

b) to help confirm to oneself (by fulfilling promises in this Pledge) that oneself is, in fact, not a Narcissist.

This Pledge is an aid to self-reflection for everyone except Narcissists.  A true Narcissist avoids self-reflection because, after all, the Narcissist doesn’t have a problem.  Everybody else does.

So, how can one confirm that oneself is, in fact, not a Narcissist–and also avoid falling into Narcissistic behavior patterns?

Try practicing the Non-Narcissist’s Pledge:

1. I will not love-bomb.  If and when I choose to dip my toes into the water of a new relationship, or even if I just go out for coffee with a potential romantic interest, I will not use flattery, gift-giving, or an avalanche of text messages to gain entry into this person’s life.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I might “put my best foot forward”, but I will simply be myself, for better or worse.

2. I will take responsibility for my actions.   I will not shift blame away from myself if I do wrong or make a simple mistake.  I will not accuse others of errors I actually made myself.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

If I do something wrong, I will own it–and own up to it.  I will face the music.  I will apologize…and make amends, if necessary.

3. I will tell the truth.  I will not lie.  I will not tell “little white lies”.  I will not omit details from the truth in order to deceive someone else.  I will not invent clever, “harmless” stories that simply make myself look good or entertain myself.  I will not say things about other people that aren’t true, especially to hurt them.  I will not hide behind “my truth” when it isn’t true to begin with.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be honest, or I won’t speak.  What can be easier than that?

4. I will not manipulate others.  I will not play tricks on people and act like I didn’t.  I won’t “plant seeds” in people’s minds to get them to do what I want when I ask them later on.  I won’t tell people what I think they want to hear, just so they like me and trust me.  I won’t change plans at the last minute when I didn’t intend to follow through with them in the first place.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be forthright and sincere.  I will trust that people will like me (or not like me!) because of who I am, not because I can control them.

5. I will be accountable.  I will not dodge or deflect constructive criticism.  I will not sabotage others who disapprove of something I’ve done.  I will not get angry if someone calls me out when I did wrong or hurt someone.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will accept that others are trying to help me when they take their time to help correct my behaviors or actions in some way.

6. I will respect other people and their boundaries.  I will not step all over people and their time and space.  I will not intrude on others or impose on them when they’re clearly involved in something important.  I will not assume that what I want right now is the most important thing happening on Earth.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will ask for consent and gain permission from others before inserting myself into their time, space, or relationships.

7. I will be open to change.  I will not insist that others do everything my way.  I will not demand that things be done the way that they’ve always been done, simply because “I said so” or my family of origin did it that way.  I will not throw a fit until someone else caves and gives me my way.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will listen to what others say they want.  If I can accommodate their wishes, and they’re not Narcissists trying to manipulate me, I will do my best to honor their requests.  I might even learn something new.

8. I will be faithful.  I will not two-time or cheat on my partner.  I will not commit adultery.  I will not promise to do something with no intention of actually doing it.  I will not violate the trust that my loved ones place in me.  I will not dump my partner out of the blue, without talking about the problem first–or at least giving an explanation why.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will respect the relationships I have formed, and if I don’t think I can fulfill the expectations that come with a certain kind of relationship, I won’t form it until I am ready.

9. I will not pretend.  I will not let others believe that I’m something I know I’m not.  I will not deliberately deceive someone else into trusting a mask or a front that I’ve put on.  I will not act like I feel some way other than what I really feel.  I will not insult, slander, or threaten people while smiling at them.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be genuine in my actions toward others, and I will show them how I really feel in a way that’s appropriate to the person and the situation.

10. I will get to know myself.  I will not occupy all my time with people, places, and things so I don’t “get bored”.  I won’t make a spectacle out of other people’s weaknesses in order to avoid seeing my own.  I won’t reflexively accuse others when they point out some flaw in myself.  I will not frantically seek company all the time so I’m never alone.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will make time and space to be quietly by myself, and I will pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings at all times.  I will acknowledge things about myself, to myself, even if I don’t like them.  I will learn what I like and don’t like–about myself, as well as my experiences–so that I can pursue more of what I want…and leave behind more of what I don’t want.

I will be my True Self, to the best of my ability, not some “false self” that isn’t really me.

That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

If you notice some of these signs early on in a relationship (say, in the first few months), you may be engaging with a toxic partner who will be both abusive (sometimes) and extremely hard to extricate yourself from.

On the bright side, you’ll likely be very close to having some of your early childhood wounds re-opened (giving you a chance to heal from them).

A “toxic” relationship partner is suffering from unresolved emotional trauma and takes out on their partner the emotional negativity that they felt toward someone else (usually a parent) way back then. They tend to have diagnosable “Cluster B” personality disorders, addictions, and/or a history of broken relationships.

These relationships HURT. I’ve experienced every one of these warning signs personally in the last 25 years (but not ALL of them in any one relationship).

I’m only able to share this info now because now I can SEE it–because I’ve dealt with many of the very old inner wounds that made me susceptible to these partners in the first place. I’ve also studied and learned WHY these relationships occur.

This list is not intended to describe anyone in particular. It’s intended to help others avoid throwing years of their lives away on relationships that WILL NOT WORK without serious, life-changing healing (on both sides)–which often NEVER HAPPENS.

Toxic people usually don’t get help, or they “fake” it if they do. It’s just part of the package.

HEALING HURTS AS BAD AS THE ORIGINAL PAIN DID! “Toxicity” is the avoidance of that pain.

People who “partner up” with these toxic folks tend to be “fixers” or “people-pleasers” in relationships. The proper word for this is codependent.

Codependent people have been “programmed” from earliest childhood to put aside their own needs for the sake of someone else’s. They “depend” on being needed, in order to feel loved, so they tend to seek life-destroying relationships with abusive people who really do need help–from a professional, not from a lover–but ultimately from themselves.

In my experience, these traits apply to toxic women, and I suppose many of them also apply to toxic men.

What do you think?

1. They change long-term goals quickly or repeatedly.
2. They casually mention other “guys” who want to be with them.
3. They toss around the word “crazy” in many contexts, even jokingly.
4. They seem annoyed when someone else calls or texts you.
5. They act differently toward different people.
6. They bring you gifts very early on.
7. They say they hate or dislike other women, in general.
8. They say they’ve dated a lot of “assholes.”
9. They are quickly defensive in ways that surprise you (at first).
10. They say “you’re just like all the other guys” when they get upset.

11. They threaten to end the relationship early on…but stay anyway.
12. They refer to a male friend in conversation with you as “them” instead of “him” and without naming him.
13. They talk about how honest they are.
14. They say they “hate drama.”
15. They tell you quickly about abuse in their past.
16. You feel sympathy for them quickly.
17. They initiate the relationship.
18. They move toward sex early on, maybe even before you’re ready.
19. They take prescription pills for anxiety, panic attacks, or depression.
20. They impose on your personal time.

21. They impose on your personal space.
22. They don’t like it when you spend time with your friends.
23. They dismiss or minimize your feelings.
24. They focus your attention on THEIR feelings.
25. They talk about marriage, family, or living together early on.
26. They love the movies Girl, Interrupted and/or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
27. They compliment you so much that you wonder if they’re being sincere.
28. They don’t let you visit them at home and make excuses to meet elsewhere.
29. They lie—and minimize their lies to you (as if you’re overreacting if you get angry about being lied to).
30. They confess a betrayal of you…but say it “wasn’t a big deal.”

31. They seem to have a whole other life that you’re not privy to.
32. They quickly change from happy to sad, mad, or irritated.
33. They give you the silent treatment…and you don’t know why.
34. They avoid resolving issues or misunderstandings.
35. They argue a lot with a parent, or even cuss at their mom or dad in front of you.
36. They ask you very sweetly to do things for them, like get a glass of water or fix their car.
37. They say “I love you” early on.
38. They ask you if you love them early on.
39. They dump you and then call you back later as if nothing happened.
40. They don’t apologize for their part in conflicts.

41. They still talk to many of their exes.
42. They HATE it if you still talk to any of YOUR exes.
43. They still “hang out” with people they’ve had sex with before…without you.
44. They have their own “funny” nicknames for males they know but would never have sex with.
45. They say they’re good at something but they AREN’T when you see them do it.
46. They say, “I’m usually (not) ____________, but with you it’s different.”
47. You think they’re too good to be true…at first.
48. They have children with more than one man…and aren’t with either man.
49. They aren’t in contact with any one father of any one of their children.
50. Their child(ren)’s father is in jail or prison.

51. They just got out of a “bad” relationship.
52. They say they “live for NOW” or “don’t believe in the past or the future.”
53. Their children misbehave much more (or MUCH less) than other children.
54. They drink more alcohol than you do.
55. They prefer liquor.
56. One or more of their children doesn’t live with them.
57. They have scars from cutting themselves or attempting suicide.
58. They tell you they’ve ever “tried” to commit suicide.
59. They have one or more prescription bottles at hand…with someone else’s name on them.
60. They are “jokingly” rude to friends or family on the phone or in person.

61. They make “jokes” toward you that would be belittling if they were “serious.”
62. They joke about inflicting physical harm on you (“I’m gonna cut your balls off, haha!”).
63. They get really mad about surprisingly small or trivial matters.
64. They blame YOU for the way THEY feel.
65. They blame you for “making” them do self-defeating things.
66. They tell you that you’re blaming them, when you aren’t.
67. They cannot accept honest criticism and get angry instead.
68. They call you names (asshole, loser, stupid, retard, pussy, etc.).
69. They share confidential info about you with ANYONE else. (You shouldn’t be sharing it anyway.)
70. They repeatedly bring up the same past issues (even resolved ones).

71. They say how organized/neat/”together” they are (or USED TO be), and they aren’t.
72. They say how “independent” they are, but they’re clearly not.
73. They say that they’re “stressed” a lot, for reasons that never seem clear to you.
74. They complain about how you’re “treating” them, even though you’re nice to them.
75. They make you doubt yourself and second-guess yourself.
76. You avoid talking about certain things so they don’t get upset.
77. They say they LIKE to do certain things, but don’t ever seem to DO them.
78. They break promises—to you, or to anyone else.
79. They judge others and put them down in private.
80. They EVER say “You’re so/such a fucking ___________.”

81. They tell you to leave them alone and then THEY contact YOU later (or sooner).
82. They break up with you for no reason that makes sense to you.
83. They describe themselves as “very sensitive.”
84. They tell YOU you’re “too sensitive.”
85. They misunderstand you and jump to conclusions.
86. You find yourself explaining yourself to them so they aren’t mad at you.
87. You find yourself feeling like you have to convince them that you’re a decent person.
88. They send rapid-fire text messages, during which their mood changes a lot.
89. They tell you they were “only joking” about some hurtful thing they said to you.
90. They don’t want to talk about and resolve issues with you.

91. They declare that they’ve decided to do something, and then don’t follow through with it.
92. They say and do things that paint themselves as victims.
93. They tell you they don’t want/need your pity.
94. They seem to be REALLY in need of saving…by YOU.
95. You feel that they can’t or won’t be okay…without YOU.
96. You have a strong sense that they will destroy themselves if something doesn’t change.
97. They confront or question you about friendships of yours that you KNOW are innocent.
98. They seem to be “playing a game” with you sometimes.
99. You feel “jerked around” by their words and actions.
100. They smile while saying hurtful things to you or others.

101. They seem to SPIT the words “I’m sorry”—IF they even admit wrongdoing.
102. After an argument, they act later like nothing happened.
103. There are FREQUENT misunderstandings between you.
104. They introduce you to their kids at all (remember, this is in the first few MONTHS).
105. They act like, or (ESPECIALLY!!) SAY(!!) that they are (or should be) a “princess.”
106. Their favorite word seems to be “Whatever!”
107. They suddenly get quiet, cold, and/or distant if you say something they don’t like.
108. You get the uneasy feeling that they’re “punishing” you for something.
109. You feel frustrated or confused while you’re with them, or just afterward.
110. They tell you they’re “disappointed” in you, or that you “disappoint” them.

111. Your close friends tell you that “you don’t seem yourself since you’ve been seeing” them.
112. They look through ANY of your private stuff (phone, computer, closet, diary, etc.) without permission.
113. They say they think you’re keeping them a “secret” from friends, family, or the public.
114. They tell you which of your Facebook photos they think you should remove.
115. They tell you that you should get rid of items that your ex(es) gave you.
116. They seem jealous when you talk to or spend time with your family members.
117. They seem to call or text you more when they know you’re with your family or friends.
118. They suggest that one of you start staying at the other’s place every night.
119. They ask for help paying one (or more) of their bills–EVEN AS A LOAN.
120. They delete or block you on Facebook when you have arguments.

121. They say they can’t bear to read or see your Facebook page because it’s “too hurtful”.
122. They think things your friends say are subtle jabs at THEM (when they aren’t).
123. They say that you should delete certain people from your Facebook friends list…or from your LIFE.
124. They say that your friends have certain negative qualities that you know they don’t have.
125. They flirt with other guys in front of you and then deny it or say, “Oh, that’s just so-and-so.”
126. They tell you that they’re “ready to settle down” (after living crazy for years).
127. They tell you that you’re the first “nice guy” they’ve ever dated.
128. They say that “someone” told them you did something recently that you didn’t do.
129. They suggest performing “kinky” sexual favors that you didn’t ask for.
130. They say that they’ll do “anything you want” in bed.

131. They seem to have trouble making and keeping eye contact with you.

THESE ARE ONLY SOME OF THE EARLY “RED FLAGS.” LATER ON, THINGS CAN GET MUCH WORSE!

On the bright side, you’ll likely be very close to having some of your early childhood wounds re-opened (giving you a chance to heal from them).

If you’ve never been in a close relationship with a Narcissistic partner, it may not be easy to imagine. It might be impossible. It may not be easy for a survivor of Narcissistic abuse to relate his or her experiences to others, either.

Indeed, both of these may be impossible.

However, even if you’ve never experienced Narcissistic abuse yourself, it’s likely that you know someone who has. That person may benefit if you understand something–even a little bit–about his or her difficult experience.

This message is for friends and family of survivors of Narcissistic abuse. Its intention is to help you understand some of what your loved one has gone through–and, hopefully (perhaps recently), come out of. Its main purpose is to help assist your loved one’s healing.

So, what is Narcissistic abuse like? It’s like…

1) …being given a delicious treat and then having it taken away for no reason…and thrown in the trash in front of you…by someone who watches your lip tremble and your tears fall…with hidden but still barely visible enjoyment…and then apologizes…with a smirk…after the trash has been taken out…and promises not to do it again…but does anyway…after you forgave them…and forgot about the first time.

2) …chasing a puppy over a hill, only to find when you reach the crest that a bully has run it over with a car on the other side…who blames you for killing the puppy…by chasing it to their side of the hill…where they were driving…in the grass…with a “No Cars in Grass” sign posted.

3) …lending your car keys to a friend, who then crashes it…and laughs at you later…for being so stupid…as to lend your car keys…to them…while they were drunk…even though you didn’t know they were drunk…and they never said so…and they say your car was a piece of crap…and you needed a new one anyway…so you should thank them.

4) …having a student who scores 59% on everything–and fails–but is SO close to passing that you keep trying, test after test, to help him study and pass…but he keeps scoring 59s…and keeps telling you that he’d pass…if you didn’t suck so bad as a teacher…and his last teacher was SO much better than you.

5) …tending a garden and watching it grow–until your neighbor of many years suddenly throws an all-night drinking party on it…and says it was in his yard, not yours…but promises to help you re-plant it anyway…as a “favor” to you to “keep the peace”…and never does…but moves away instead…and tells the new tenant how crazy you are.

6) …hearing a beloved family member tell you, on his deathbed, that he always hated you, and only pretended to like you, and wanted to tell you before he dies–and then hearing later that the family member didn’t die…and is doing well…and says he doesn’t remember talking to you…or even that you were there…when he was ‘dying’…and then finding out later that the family member wasn’t really dying…and knew it all along…and was just being cruel…and you have no idea why.

7) …knowing where your purse is, and what’s always in it, but not finding it there–and finding it in your roommate’s closet instead, with its contents moved around or missing…and your roommate saying that you left it the last time you were in there…but that was weeks ago…but your roommate swears it was yesterday…and says your memory must be bad…and she seems to be wearing your lipstick… but claims she just bought it.

8) …being dumped, and told that your partner hates you and that it will never work, and your partner throwing your things out the door–and then calling you two days later, as if nothing had happened…saying it was “no big deal”…and getting upset at you…for being upset and taking it so seriously…and then says they were “just joking”… and buys you something very thoughtful to make up for it.

9) …being showered with praise, affection, attention, compliments, and shared dreams of a beautiful future together–until the hook is set…and you’ve fallen in love…and then, all of a sudden…your beloved starts tugging on the hook…and it hurts you to tug away…but it doesn’t hurt them at all…and you don’t understand why.

10) …watching the preview for a new movie, and paying to go watch it at the theater–and the movie being horrible…but you stay anyway to get your money’s worth…and you think it’s only two hours long…but it’s four…and then you’re tired…and just want to sleep…even if it’s in the chair…among strangers…instead of your own bed at home…so you fall asleep…and get locked inside the theater…and are late to work the next day.

These ten examples are mostly parables designed to show the sort of dynamic that’s common for someone in a close relationship with a person who shows significant Narcissistic traits–that is, a “toxic” relationship.

Not all of them are to be taken literally.