At the time of this writing, in January 2009, I had been living in the home my now-ex-wife and I shared. She had moved out—to live an hour away—two months before. Just before writing this, I had decided to find my own living space. —Ven
Recently, I’ve been able to get out of my previous mindset of focusing on things I could not control. I got introspective for a couple of days. I moved a lot of my stuff out of my house (where my wife still has her stuff, and where she is able to drop by whenever she pleases) and into my camper at my place of business on the river. I’ve been staying here most nights, in my own space.
This has been a great relief to me.
That change of physical circumstances was part of the mental process of change that hit full steam last weekend. Changing my living situation was essential because I recognized the importance of my surroundings and their effect on my mental and emotional state. I also saw that being at the house was affecting me negatively, and I wanted to separate myself from it.
Since I’ve been at the camper, I’ve been able to drop my fear of moving on from the situation and I’ve moved into a new and fresher way of being. I’ve mostly occupied myself with resting, re-centering, recharging, and examining my previous experiences to see the common thread in my life, in order to determine the general direction/flow of my interests, desires, and activities.
It feels like being in a cocoon.
The result of giving up on my analysis of the situation and my clinging to it was a mental freedom that has been very peaceful for me. In the meantime, as part of evaluating my past experience and identifying the general trends of my interests, I’ve picked up a new direction in which to focus my attention. I’m exploring that new way of seeing things, which is really only a synthesis of everything I’ve already figured out about life on my own.
This is all new to me, and at the same time it’s very comfortable and exciting because I feel like I’m aligning with the purpose of my inner being. It was my “next step” a long time ago, and I’ve only been sidetracked from it by life experiences that I didn’t know how to handle at the time.
I’ve been describing how I got “here.” So, what is “here”?
I’m harmonizing with the Divine Will (which is also my own will, from my innermost self) by understanding better what life is all about. I’m letting go of past experience and future expectation and enjoying the ride. I’m learning methods of understanding my own intentions and putting them into practice. In short, I’ve realized that my “happiness” means aligning myself with the flow of the Universe. I’m learning to do that, instead of trying to carve my own flow out of it. There doesn’t have to be a difference!
And I see incredible new possibilities and experiences coming into being because of this change.
(written in 2009)