According to an amateur numerology reading I had years ago, I’m supposed to “reach the highest spiritual state possible.”
It might sound silly, but some time ago I realized that I might not ever reach the “highest spiritual state” of a human, at least not in this lifetime. I reach and reach as far as I can from where I am, and I make progress—but that goal is so far away that I can’t see it, or even understand it most of the time.
I have glimpses.
At this point, I don’t want it. I feel a greater purpose on my Path from here to there, and that is my priority, at least until I’m ready for the other.
Maybe I’ll get “there” and maybe I won’t. It’s not even really up to me (a strange thought!), and I’m not worried about it anymore. I have a purpose for being here, and it isn’t a self-centered purpose. In other words, I’m not going to go off and meditate in a cave. I am here.
Here—the place I was trying to escape! But it wasn’t a place. It’s a state of being. It’s just a different one now.
Besides that, I’m learning to accept who I am, where I am, and how much I can reasonably expect of myself. In the past, I’ve constantly striven for more and more progress and I’ve been hard on myself when I make mistakes. This has caused me problems that I won’t even begin to explain right now.
On top of pushing myself mercilessly toward self-growth (which seems dumb from where I am now), I’ve also let my fears about other people’s perception of me determine some of my thoughts, feelings, goals, habits, and behaviors. Whew! How the hell did I not notice it for so long?
The truth is, I did notice it, a bit at a time, over time, and each bit seemed like it was small enough not to worry about. But when you put all those bits together, you end up with a condition. Every “bit” that I ignored was a symptom of the greater condition. My condition has been that of thinking I’m something I’m not, and trying to act like something I’m not. It’s an uncomfortable condition, and each time I noticed it I felt some discomfort.
It’s a psychological law that we treat others the same way we treat ourselves, according to Vernon Howard. I’ve also noticed this tendency in my own experience. I’ve expected more from others than I should, as well as myself. This was unreasonable. Who am I to determine such things?
These negative conditions can only go on for so long, if you’re honest with yourself (which I try to be). I did eventually realize my condition, and I decided to change it. The energy it takes to hold up a false image of myself is better used in something else.
I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself. I can only do what I can do, and some things are simply out of my hands. To try to inject myself where I’m either not wanted or not needed only causes problems. I can’t fix everything. Now I don’t want to. I’d rather enjoy what I have, problems and all. No problem is forever. I’ll handle them when the time is right—and I don’t determine that!
The Path is a process, a journey—not a race.
Do you know what caused my problems? The usual culprits: wrong ideas and unexpressed negative emotions.
(written in 2008)